good morning, sunshine

i love when this face wakes me up in the morning.

she looks more and more like craig all the time.

3 months

i took so so SO many pictures for kahree's 3 month update and somehow all but this one disappeared. i'm still hoping they'll turn up someday but for now this is all you get. luckly she's delicious in every photo.

kahree spent her 3 month birthday keeping me company while craig was out of town in indiana on a business trip. he spent 2 nights away and it was the first time we had been apart overnight since we were married and i was feeling pretty sad about it so i made her snuggle with me a lot to make up for it. we were house and pet sitting in a big house out in the country at the same time so we really had to work hard to not be lonely, losts of cleaning and crocheting and netflix. and at one point i locked myself out of the house with her inside. it was pretty terrible. she was asleep on the bed and i got up to let the dogs outside, in my pj's which i almost didn't even put on, and the door locked behind me and i ran around the house panicking for a while until i got a hold of the owners and they dirrected me to a hidden spare key. i actually called 911 for the first time ever when they didn't answer at first but then i called them back and cancelled my emmergancy. kahree woke up a few minutes before i got in and i could hear her through the window crying for me. it really was torture, not my best mom moment. she's never had to cry alone like that. i'm glad she isn't really rolling or wiggling yet so that she couldn't fall off the bed. she's holding herself up longer than at 3 months and pushing her butt up but nothing too different, she just looks a lot older to me now.

right after we finish house sitting we're spending a week moving into our new apartment. it's very similar but on a bottom floor instead of a third and in a better complex. we're painting and making a nursery and everything, i'm really excited. i'm glad we have lots of days to finish moving, i don't know how easy moving with a 3 month old will be, even a good natured one. i guess we'll find out! yay for changes, and adventures, and family and home being wherever we are together.

my heart leaps up

i want to take some time and talk about my baby. sure, i want to, and probably do, talk about her all the time but something has changed this week and i want to try to capture it. i feel completely smitten. i feel like a real mother, not just a girl taking care of a cute baby indefinitely. i feel a strong connection with my daughter and every moment feels new and yet i keep looking back to the first day i met her and i get all sorts of warm fuzzys. i love her all day long and all night long. i get to hold her hands at night, or rub her back when she lays her fists on my chests and sleeps. she's suddenly gotten SO good at snuggling and it is just delicious. she smiles and laughs at me almost constantly throughout our days together, like we have some secret inside joke and she just can't get over how great it is. she's growing up and i almost can't stand it. she naps a little longer and less often. she eats a little less and for not as long. she stays content for longer periods of time. she lets me kiss her right on the lips over and over again. i want to remember what this feels like forever and ever. i've never felt so happy, so in love, and so constantly close to tears. the other day i held her hands and cried and told her i loved her over and over and she just laughed at me. she's stronger than i am. just until she has a daughter of her own. then she'll see.

i love being at home with kahree. i love feeling crafty and making meals and ironing my husbands collared shirts and crocheting granny squares and editing photos and reading blogs and getting to read books and poems and slowing finding my way back to being well read. but very most of all i just love being with kahree, i love propping my daughter up on my knees and talking and laughing with her. i want to freeze time. i want to speed it up and hear her talk and watch her crawl. i want to go back to 12 weeks ago when we were in the hospital and that tiny, dark little baby slept curled up against me for days. i want to see her fall in love with her husband and be as happy as i am. i want her to stay exactly this way for ever and ever. i think moms have to be as busy as they are because if they look too closely at their children growing older every minute it would be torture. so far being a mother means my heart is so open and laid bare that i'm sensitive to every little hurt and fear, but i can feel every little joy and blessing more fully than i ever could before. i would die for this girl, and more. it makes me realize that Heavenly Father must love us all even more than i ever thought possible before. if i, as lowly as i am, can feel these great and powerful things, then what must He, a perfect being, feel for us?

it's my first real mother's day this year. craig has already been truly sweet and made me feel so special. i think my baby girl must know it's a special time too because she's been extra darling to me. all of this love and happiness far outweighs the sadness i felt this time last year. i'm so grateful for all the time since, great things are worth the wait. becoming a mother is the best thing that's ever happened to me. it's even more wonderful than anyone could ever say because the best parts about it aren't describable. when kahree wraps her fingers up in my hair and holds on tight i don't even want her to let go. when she grows up i hope i can remember her just as she is now, little girl, long lashes, fuzzy head, chubby wrists, chubby fists, all wrapped up and mine.

all the forest trees were pens and all the oceans, ink

this weekend we took a little car trip with our friends audrey and andrew to the coast so that kahree could see the ocean. i had to wait 18 years to see it and that was just too long and we wanted to make sure she felt the sand between her toes as soon as possible. who cares if she probably won't remember it. i think she will. especially after i show her these pictures of her tiny litte feet hitting the ocean water for the first time, it'll surely all come rushing back ;]

we went to lincoln city which was the first place craig ever took me to see the ocean. it was chilly, true to the oregon coast nature, and it was a long drive that was only partially spent napping. but look at her chubby little face. it was so worth it. having adventures with babyk make them a hundred times more wonderful.