my heart leaps up

i want to take some time and talk about my baby. sure, i want to, and probably do, talk about her all the time but something has changed this week and i want to try to capture it. i feel completely smitten. i feel like a real mother, not just a girl taking care of a cute baby indefinitely. i feel a strong connection with my daughter and every moment feels new and yet i keep looking back to the first day i met her and i get all sorts of warm fuzzys. i love her all day long and all night long. i get to hold her hands at night, or rub her back when she lays her fists on my chests and sleeps. she's suddenly gotten SO good at snuggling and it is just delicious. she smiles and laughs at me almost constantly throughout our days together, like we have some secret inside joke and she just can't get over how great it is. she's growing up and i almost can't stand it. she naps a little longer and less often. she eats a little less and for not as long. she stays content for longer periods of time. she lets me kiss her right on the lips over and over again. i want to remember what this feels like forever and ever. i've never felt so happy, so in love, and so constantly close to tears. the other day i held her hands and cried and told her i loved her over and over and she just laughed at me. she's stronger than i am. just until she has a daughter of her own. then she'll see.

i love being at home with kahree. i love feeling crafty and making meals and ironing my husbands collared shirts and crocheting granny squares and editing photos and reading blogs and getting to read books and poems and slowing finding my way back to being well read. but very most of all i just love being with kahree, i love propping my daughter up on my knees and talking and laughing with her. i want to freeze time. i want to speed it up and hear her talk and watch her crawl. i want to go back to 12 weeks ago when we were in the hospital and that tiny, dark little baby slept curled up against me for days. i want to see her fall in love with her husband and be as happy as i am. i want her to stay exactly this way for ever and ever. i think moms have to be as busy as they are because if they look too closely at their children growing older every minute it would be torture. so far being a mother means my heart is so open and laid bare that i'm sensitive to every little hurt and fear, but i can feel every little joy and blessing more fully than i ever could before. i would die for this girl, and more. it makes me realize that Heavenly Father must love us all even more than i ever thought possible before. if i, as lowly as i am, can feel these great and powerful things, then what must He, a perfect being, feel for us?

it's my first real mother's day this year. craig has already been truly sweet and made me feel so special. i think my baby girl must know it's a special time too because she's been extra darling to me. all of this love and happiness far outweighs the sadness i felt this time last year. i'm so grateful for all the time since, great things are worth the wait. becoming a mother is the best thing that's ever happened to me. it's even more wonderful than anyone could ever say because the best parts about it aren't describable. when kahree wraps her fingers up in my hair and holds on tight i don't even want her to let go. when she grows up i hope i can remember her just as she is now, little girl, long lashes, fuzzy head, chubby wrists, chubby fists, all wrapped up and mine.