Thursday, May 23, 2013

a tiny bit of good news

can i tell you something awesome?

i've been keeping a little secret.

a teeny, tiny little secret.

an adorable little secret. with a heartbeat, and arms, and legs, and fingers, and toes, a big ol' tummy, and a much bigger nose than i ever remember kahree having.

the hardest secret to keep. a secret i wanted to share every minute, every day. every day that my middle got rounder, every time my brain failed me yet again at an embarrassing moment, every day i wanted to apologize to everyone for my nausea and lack of energy, every day that i just wanted to tell all the people that i love "i may have good news!"

but i didn't have good news yet. we had a lot of fears and worries and no for-sures. so we waited until we could share our secret with some amount of surety.

well. yesterday, we got good news. such lovely news. and now i can tell you all about my little secret.

this new little baby is probably a miracle. a confusing, heart-wrenching, mysterious little miracle. i am currently over 12 weeks into this new pregnancy, almost done with the first trimester. i'll help you with the math a little bit: my emergency surgery for my ruptured, ectopic pregnancy in february was 14 weeks ago yesterday.

shocked? surprised? us too.

but happy? of course!

we were going to wait for a long, long time before trying again. in our hearts we felt like we were to wait at least a year before trying to have another baby, to give my body time to heal and give myself time to regain some courage. so let me just say right now that we weren't trying. we were actively NOT trying. i'm still a little bewildered that this tiny child managed to sneak in like this. the doctors told me to wait for at least two normal cycles before trying again. i didn't even get one. i went back in to see the doctor two months after my surgery because i was afraid that there was too much wrong with my once-exploding insides and i wasn't even ovulating anymore.

not quite. i just had a 6 week, 3 day old baby in there. wiggling around looking like a little jelly bean, heartbeat flashing like a mini lighthouse. in my uterus right where it belongs. strong and steady. and i didn't even know. craig suspected, especially the night before when i demanded a burger from wendy's and wolfed it down savagely. but i said there was no way. it was impossible.

if i've learned anything from this whole experience it is that i am definitely not in charge here, my own plan for my life does not take precedent over God's plan for me and my family. and He wants me to be happy after all.

are you surprised i kept so tight-lipped? i feel at least a little terrible because of how many lies i had to tell to keep this a secret until we knew for sure everything was most likely going to be okay. i had to look some dear friends in the face and lie through my teeth! some friends i told i wasn't pregnant before i knew i was but for most part i just had to respond to loving inquiries with some well worded half truths or no truths at all. i was actually surprised by how many people asked and how hard it was to keep everything a secret, i'm surrounded by some very loving people. so just in case i lied to any of you and you happen to be reading now i want you to know i really did want to tell you and i promise i'm mostly sorry. but i'm also very comfortable exercising my right to a little privacy, especially in the face of so much uncertainty. i just didn't know yet if everything was going to be okay.

there were more than just a few concerns, none of them matter much now. i really feel like we're out of the woods for the most part. i caused some concern from being pregnant so immediately after my surgery [the pregnancy technically "started" two weeks after my surgery but there wasn't a baby growing in there until almost a month after, pregnancy is funny that way]. i had a special chemotherapy shot after my surgery and my estimated conception date [because i have no clue how or when it could have happened so the doctor had to guess for me, goodness gracious] wasn't even a whole month later. so there were worries that there could be some potential deformities caused by that. of course chances were so, so slim but i wasn't feeling super confident with my odds at the time. the chance of having a ruptured ectopic pregnancy is also very slim, but i experienced that. and becoming pregnant immediately afterwards? i don't even have a clue what those odds are. so you see what i'm saying, i was worried enough for myself and all of you and everyone else i love. you didn't need to worry too.

but now we have good news! my baby still had a heartbeat and was growing right on schedule yesterday afternoon when we got to see him [according to craig] or her [according to me]. my baby has only the correct amount of limbs and no obvious abnormalities. in four weeks we'll know if spinal bifida is going to be something we need to deal with. i'm a little concerned about that because i had to stop taking all forms of vitamins and folic acid after receiving my chemotherapy shot and i didn't start taking prenatals again until halfway through week 6 because i didn't know i was pregnant. so lets keep our fingers crossed for that. and four weeks after that i will go to a special clinic and get an extra long, detailed 20 week ultrasound where they will look at everything from head to toe. as long as nothing is wrong i plan on enjoying that to the fullest. i just love ultrasounds.

these are obviously ultrasound pictures, and they are so great. but i wish you could see the detail craig and i got to see yesterday, everything is so much clearer on the screen. i wish you could see how big that nose really is. and how much those legs move. and how i'm so sure those hands were being stuffed into that mouth. and how that lighthouse of a heart goes flash, flash, flash. at one point the ultrasound technician needed to take a measurement that wasn't visible at the moment and she tried to get little baby to move by roughly pushing down on my stomach a couple times. that baby flailed, and kicked, and punched at me with such a fury, i have never seen anything so funny in all my life.

are you excited? i'm trying to be. it's hard when i spend so much time worrying instead. i don't want to give this one up. but i'm not in charge, as we can clearly see. but it'll get more and more real between now and December 3rd. can you believe i may be having a baby this year after all?

i think that's a miracle.

p.s. remember how i ran a half marathon the other day? and how it turns out i was almost 12 weeks pregnant at the time? yep, that happened. running is a lot harder when you're hungry and tired and nauseous! thankfully i was only feeling sick for about 3 weeks, mid week 6 to around week 9. this was my very first time with any sort of morning sickness and let me just say...that stuff stinks. i didn't throw up but man, did i want to. now i'm feeling less tired and mostly normal again, thanks to YOU, second trimester, you good looking thing. now i can finally stop trying to hide my chubby tummy and lying to everyone in sight and start enjoying this.

2013 is starting to get awesome.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013


on saturday i ran my first half marathon with my dear friend alys. it was the "queen of the high road" race, an all ladies half full of positive energy and encouragement and awesomeness. at the end we got crowns instead of medals and if that isn't the coolest then nothing is the coolest. we've been training since late january and it was such an lovely experience to be able to bravely make a challenging goal, work hard to achieve it, and then accomplish it.

it was a hard thing and a good thing and i'm so glad i did it. i'm also so glad it's over. i said over and over again how i was just going to do it and then never run again. and then this morning i'm already looking for at least one 5k to do with craig this summer and i even glanced at some july half marathons. i was so sad i never got addicted to running, it never became enjoyable or easy for me, but i think i may be addicted to finishing races. especially since this one had such delicious food at the end and free massages for runners. a girl can get used to that.

throughout the whole thing craig was so wonderful and encouraging. before he started his externship he watched kahree during the week so i could do my short runs and every saturday since february he's taking care of everything in the morning by himself so i could do my long runs, sometimes for hours. he took care of a sick and tired kahree two nights before my race so i could get recovery sleep. he met me at the finish line with love and smiles and then bought me a tuna subway sammich to devour afterwards, even though he hates the smell of tuna. and he took care of kahree AGAIN that night because my legs were too sore to get me out of bed. i did this because he told me he knew i could do it and because he encouraged and believed in me the whole way. and the best part, just like after my 5k in november, was getting over than finish line and having craig hand kahree to me, so happy so see her mommy, and the wonderful congratulation snuggles she gave me.

i'm also so happy i had my friend alys to train with every week and who ran the whole race with me, so patiently. i'm sure i slowed her down a ridiculous amount but i'm so glad i got to do it with her instead of trudging through on my own. i really wanted to finish by 2 hours 30 minutes and we crossed the finish line at 2 hours and 29 minutes. yay! that may sound way slow to any elite runners out there but i'm super proud of it, we aren't fast but we had fun. and it's over. halleluiah.

let's do another! maybe...

 [hugs from my littlest]

 [looks like i'm denying alys a pre-finish line high-five. i didn't mean to...]

 [we did it!]

Monday, May 20, 2013

this week

this week i'm selfish. 

this week i want to get closer to being able to spend time with craig again. 

this week i want us to get some good sleep at night.

this week i want kahree and i to finally beat our colds. 

this week i want good news.

this week i want kahree to eat all her food.

this week i want to plan a vacation. 

this week i want a date night with my love. 

this week i want to go to the temple. 

this week i want to be able to pay my hospital bills. 

this week i want the sunshine to come back. 

this week i want to watch a lot of movies and not by myself. 

this week i want things to get better. 

so far, this week looks exactly like this. i have high hopes for this week. 

Saturday, May 18, 2013

14/52, 15/52, 16/52, 17/52 and 18/52

"a portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2013"


kahree can make an excellent wolf sound. she tips her head back and says "wooooooo!"


the best part of taking kahree to the tulip festival was how determined she was to stay in these shoes forever.


there really isn't much more i can say about this beside yes, it really did happen.


our little stuffed friend peeko is mostly for sleeping with but occasionally, after a really good nap, we invite him to join us for some strawberries.


it was late and craig and i were way behind on getting bedtime started so kahree was keeping herself busy by eating some strawberries in the kitchen. after a while craig noticed she had begun to stuff them all down into her shirt. this followed:

craig: "hey kahree, what are you doing?"
kahree: "....nuffing."

when she stood up the falling strawberries made her laugh, and laugh, and laugh.

Friday, May 17, 2013

april photo roundup

we are going to kick this blog back into shape.

let's start with april.

[april was full of sunshine and lots of time outside]

 [she can be so cute when it's time to get ready for bed, i think she's trying to distract us]

[loving the grass. and the dirt. and the rocks.]

[i don't know why this happened or how i got a picture of it. but it is awesome.]

[pepper is getting so big!]

[family night at red robbin. kahree made that face special for the picture. so did craig.]

[we love eggs! nom nom nom]

 [carrying all her treasures]

[seriously, all of them. she walks around chanting "stiiiiiiick, stiiiiick!" but she leaves them outside like a champion]

[i had to distract her for a while at the store, so we went to the pet food aisle. she spent a long time kissing every puppy she saw. i'm so smart]

[so this was awesome. she ran away before i could put her shirt on and came back with her crown and scepter. i can be okay with that]

[like she owns the place]

[mauling charlie, the family cat. he has patience for no one but her]

[and then there was a tutu and a turtle face. are you jealous of my life yet?]

[we decided to play with ALL our plush toys. at the same time]

[leave me alone, mom. i'm talking on my elmo phone]

[for some reason she likes getting into my drawers and trying on ALL my clothes. i'm not sure about that one]

[first day ever leaving her hat on. it lasted for four hours!]

[watching pooh bear and taking it easy after a bad night]

[she's such a lady]

[feeling better after getting some medicine for her ear infection. such a relief]

[she's like, perfect]

[hanging out at the park with aunt catie]

[waiting to go out and looking just too good doing it]

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

time to play catchup. again.

seriously, will i ever learn?

first of all, it's may. the middle of may. whaaaat?

second of all, i have a lot of weekly portraits of kahree to edit and post. i promise i've been taking them ALMOST every week. i'll get them up here soon. cross my heart.

third of all, what have we been up to? well, most recently, a lot of days with just me and kahree trying to survive while craig is gone for 14 hours a day some days for the past 8 weeks. that should explain most things. he's been working a lot and also working at his externship for school. two more weeks of this and that boy will have his degree. YES. and then summer and sunshine and frozen yogurt every day and lots of time together and NO MORE SCHOOL.

i've also been reading a lot and it rocks. lots of genealogy, it's sorta my thing. i've been running a bunch too. i have a half marathon coming up THIS saturday and i am just soooo excited for it to be sunday and to not have to train for this thing anymore. what was i thinking. and then the usual, but up a level because kahree went up a level and thus so did life. so cooking and baking and the constant struggle of trying to find good things that kahree will eat besides strawberries and cheese sticks [we are starting to have to use code words around here, if i just said that out loud she'd be all like "CHEEEEEEEEEESE???" and then i'd have to pop some mozzarella in her mouth to avoid certain death]. also going outside and swimming and visiting little baby friends. kahree has been a doll during the days and at night she turns into a monster that hurts me and doesn't sleep and stays up for two, three, four, five hours at a time. that part sucks. we'll get through it. i dread every night and pray every day that her perfect sleeping habits will one day return.

last of all, i've accepted the fact that craig isn't going to finish his guest post. he just doesn't have time. he also has a difficulty going back to that time, especially the farther away we get from it. we took a long drive on saturday so that kahree would nap and we talked about everything ever and he told me he has a hard time even thinking about it because i was so close to just not coming back. it sounds so dramatic now, but it's true. it was a real thing that really happened and no matter how surreal it feels it's a part of our history now. so let's bring ourselves up to speed so that we can be done and move on, because it's worth remembering to me but not worth revisiting more than just this one more time. i honestly have a hard time remembering it all. just certain things that i feel were important and sorta existence-shaping. like i changed forever with every one.

like when kahree woke up from her nap just before my precautionary appointment and i couldn't even pick her up because suddenly my stomach hurt so bad i couldn't move.

like when the ultrasound technicians were whispering and kahree was fidgeting and i knew, knew, knew.

like when i had to kiss kahree goodbye and watch her drive away with a friend because i needed to go check in for emergency surgery right that moment and i didn't have time to tell her how much she means to me.

like when i was lost, dizzy, and confused and wondered around from floor to floor, in and off elevators, not even remembering why i was there.

like when several nurses were stabbing needles in me and talking all at once and skipping protocols to get me in as fast as they could. i probably shouldn't have gotten lost. there was a tile on the cealing painted to look like a blue sky with fluffy clouds. genius.

like when the anesthesiologist hesitated when starting to administer the magical medicine because craig still hadn't gotten there from work to see me before i went under. i told him don't worry about it and that everything was going to be okay, and then he laughed and laughed.

like after the point where they told me i wouldn't remember anything i remember them lifting me onto the table and putting something over my face and wondering if i was going to get to come back or if i was going to get to stay with my other babies.

i got to come back. and i am so, so glad. this is where i want to be, exactly. craig told me once recently that his favorite time of our whole lives were those first few days after i got to come home. i was just so happy and grateful. i was ecstatic. nothing could upset me, not even having to suddenly stop nursing kahree forever or not being able to carry her around on her birthday. my eternal perspective was so clear. i miss it. i know mourning has a very special place in the healing process but nothing has made my sorrow lighter than knowing so surely that everything was going to be all right, that i missed my children but i wouldn't have to miss them forever. i felt like writing a dozen hymns of praise. it's a good thing a didn't try though, i don't know how many good religious songs have been composed on heavy doses of oxycontin. probably only a couple.

that's what i remember. there are other things, some things i only know must be true because i've repeated them over and over. mostly the facts. how they were able to save my tube and ovary even though they really did want to take my tube out. and how from now on all my pregnancies are considered high risk until they can prove, as soon as possible, that they aren't ectopic because now they can happen again at any time in that damaged tube. some more statistics. there isn't much more to it. that just might be the whole story.

it's been months now. that is really hard for me to believe. craig was a wonder through everything. kahree was my light. she eventually stopped saying "baby" and pointing to my tummy. she would be such a great big sister. i want so badly to see that. i have so much fear and worry when it comes to the rest of our lives and the rest of our family. i don't have any solid answers for any that. just a lot of hopes.

now we're all up to speed. now i can blog about happy things again and not feel that nagging feeling like i'm missing something. now we can be all about kahree's chubby thighs in her short shorts, sunshine and scraped knees, achievements and new goals. i'm ready for 2013 to get awesome. are you?