Wednesday, May 15, 2013

time to play catchup. again.

seriously, will i ever learn?

first of all, it's may. the middle of may. whaaaat?

second of all, i have a lot of weekly portraits of kahree to edit and post. i promise i've been taking them ALMOST every week. i'll get them up here soon. cross my heart.

third of all, what have we been up to? well, most recently, a lot of days with just me and kahree trying to survive while craig is gone for 14 hours a day some days for the past 8 weeks. that should explain most things. he's been working a lot and also working at his externship for school. two more weeks of this and that boy will have his degree. YES. and then summer and sunshine and frozen yogurt every day and lots of time together and NO MORE SCHOOL.

i've also been reading a lot and it rocks. lots of genealogy, it's sorta my thing. i've been running a bunch too. i have a half marathon coming up THIS saturday and i am just soooo excited for it to be sunday and to not have to train for this thing anymore. what was i thinking. and then the usual, but up a level because kahree went up a level and thus so did life. so cooking and baking and the constant struggle of trying to find good things that kahree will eat besides strawberries and cheese sticks [we are starting to have to use code words around here, if i just said that out loud she'd be all like "CHEEEEEEEEEESE???" and then i'd have to pop some mozzarella in her mouth to avoid certain death]. also going outside and swimming and visiting little baby friends. kahree has been a doll during the days and at night she turns into a monster that hurts me and doesn't sleep and stays up for two, three, four, five hours at a time. that part sucks. we'll get through it. i dread every night and pray every day that her perfect sleeping habits will one day return.

last of all, i've accepted the fact that craig isn't going to finish his guest post. he just doesn't have time. he also has a difficulty going back to that time, especially the farther away we get from it. we took a long drive on saturday so that kahree would nap and we talked about everything ever and he told me he has a hard time even thinking about it because i was so close to just not coming back. it sounds so dramatic now, but it's true. it was a real thing that really happened and no matter how surreal it feels it's a part of our history now. so let's bring ourselves up to speed so that we can be done and move on, because it's worth remembering to me but not worth revisiting more than just this one more time. i honestly have a hard time remembering it all. just certain things that i feel were important and sorta existence-shaping. like i changed forever with every one.

like when kahree woke up from her nap just before my precautionary appointment and i couldn't even pick her up because suddenly my stomach hurt so bad i couldn't move.

like when the ultrasound technicians were whispering and kahree was fidgeting and i knew, knew, knew.

like when i had to kiss kahree goodbye and watch her drive away with a friend because i needed to go check in for emergency surgery right that moment and i didn't have time to tell her how much she means to me.

like when i was lost, dizzy, and confused and wondered around from floor to floor, in and off elevators, not even remembering why i was there.

like when several nurses were stabbing needles in me and talking all at once and skipping protocols to get me in as fast as they could. i probably shouldn't have gotten lost. there was a tile on the cealing painted to look like a blue sky with fluffy clouds. genius.

like when the anesthesiologist hesitated when starting to administer the magical medicine because craig still hadn't gotten there from work to see me before i went under. i told him don't worry about it and that everything was going to be okay, and then he laughed and laughed.

like after the point where they told me i wouldn't remember anything i remember them lifting me onto the table and putting something over my face and wondering if i was going to get to come back or if i was going to get to stay with my other babies.

i got to come back. and i am so, so glad. this is where i want to be, exactly. craig told me once recently that his favorite time of our whole lives were those first few days after i got to come home. i was just so happy and grateful. i was ecstatic. nothing could upset me, not even having to suddenly stop nursing kahree forever or not being able to carry her around on her birthday. my eternal perspective was so clear. i miss it. i know mourning has a very special place in the healing process but nothing has made my sorrow lighter than knowing so surely that everything was going to be all right, that i missed my children but i wouldn't have to miss them forever. i felt like writing a dozen hymns of praise. it's a good thing a didn't try though, i don't know how many good religious songs have been composed on heavy doses of oxycontin. probably only a couple.

that's what i remember. there are other things, some things i only know must be true because i've repeated them over and over. mostly the facts. how they were able to save my tube and ovary even though they really did want to take my tube out. and how from now on all my pregnancies are considered high risk until they can prove, as soon as possible, that they aren't ectopic because now they can happen again at any time in that damaged tube. some more statistics. there isn't much more to it. that just might be the whole story.

it's been months now. that is really hard for me to believe. craig was a wonder through everything. kahree was my light. she eventually stopped saying "baby" and pointing to my tummy. she would be such a great big sister. i want so badly to see that. i have so much fear and worry when it comes to the rest of our lives and the rest of our family. i don't have any solid answers for any that. just a lot of hopes.

now we're all up to speed. now i can blog about happy things again and not feel that nagging feeling like i'm missing something. now we can be all about kahree's chubby thighs in her short shorts, sunshine and scraped knees, achievements and new goals. i'm ready for 2013 to get awesome. are you?


  1. First of all, I totally meant to comment on Craig's post! But I forgot to come back and do it! I love the way you write! I feel like we are just having a heart to heart as friends. You have such a great "voice" in your writing! So glad you are feeling better and that you are safe and healthy. I know what you mean about having that clear eternal perspective, I wish there was a way to feel that all the time, every day, especially when all the little things in life seem to weigh me down...or at least I wish I was better at getting that perspective. Miss you guys! Glad that school is almost done for Craig, can't wait to hear what is next for you guys! The busy school season is about to start for us!

  2. I have so much to say but words make no sense of the true empathy, sympathy and understanding I have for the words you speak. My eyes just dropped 3 tears to Him with a silent Prayer and praise. I'm glad you are here . Berry much. And I'm unbelievably excited for baby legs and rompers!

  3. Also I noticed the Blue Sky tile at my last surgery. I thought, how amazing.

  4. I am! You're so awesome Shilah. You've always been so good at writing. You've dealt with some really hard things and you've kept such a good attitude. Can we be friends now?


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