hear the baby t-rex roar

a lot of people consider their wedding day the happiest day of their lives. i've heard it said so many time. i don't think i agree. i mean it probably was at the time but craig and i have had so many happy, perfect days since and then of course when kahree was born my capacity for happiness grew out of control. even those first few pain and medication filled days of being parents were unbelievably special and made me feel happier than i ever thought i could before.

i think about those days in the hospital all the time. i miss them and wish i could live them again over and over. i loved having days of nothing but holding my tiny, dark sleeping baby against me and feeding her all the time. nothing but craig and kahree and blankets and snuggles and meals made for me and someone else changing poopy diapers. kahree's newborn phase was the best time i can ever remember.

i know it's not like this for everyone but i really felt like having a newborn was the easiest, most natural thing i ever experienced. i miss my newborn baby. my little 4.5 month old is a bit more of a handful. she's headstrong and bossy and loves to scratch and bite. she's found her voice and yells when she wants to and sounds like she means it. sometimes i'm not sure what to do with this tiny creature who clenches her jaw and balls her fist and growls at me. she's still the best thing in the WHOLE WORLD, but being woken up in the middle of the night by a squirmy, fussy baby makes my foggy brain long for her to be like she used to be and sleep for 12 hours straight again. i know that sounds silly, i've been ridiculously spoiled and i'm fully aware. the other day i was trying to keep her busy, wriggling body in my arms while she made fussy sounds at me all the day long and i told craig how awful this is compared to how it used to be. and he just laughed at me. she's such an incredible baby that when she acts like a real baby i get all thrown off and convince myself she's being purposefully malicious. i think it's my subconscious way of not wanting to accept she's growing up, that she HAS to grow up, that it's flying by so fast and she'll never be a newborn again. but what i need to acknowledge is that every new stage is brilliant and beautiful in its own wonderful way. so far this stage is the hardest for me but i would never give her up. but someone should definitely help me convince craig that having another newborn asap is a fabulous idea.

the other day i was busying myself at my desk and i looked over at the bed where i had laid kahree and all at once she was suddenly older. i grabbed my camera and locked some pictures away before she could change again. it happens overnight, sometimes more often. i love her with all my teeny tiny heart and i always will. sometimes i just want to squeeze her to pieces.

i dedicate these pictures to my mom, who has probably suffered the most from me not blogging lately and posting more pictures of her granddaughter. also, look at that baby, the chubby cheeks? she has them.

p.s. i have A LOT of blog catching up to do, so bear with me for the next week or so. i'm hoping that i'm finally getting into a real rhythm around here, but we'll see.