Thursday, October 18, 2012

did you come knocking on my door, or did i come to yours

oh baby kahree. we're dealing with a lot of clingyness lately. more than just a desire to be held constantly, which we've had before and it really isn't all bad. this is more of a "you just stood up or moved a little so i'm going to have a complete melt down and grab at you frantically or attach myself to your leg so you can't move because i think you're going to suddenly disappear and never come back." it doesn't make sense to me that she would have that kind of anxiety now of all times because she's currently so mobile, she can get anywhere i am any time without me lugging her around every step of the way every time. she's fast too, and a lot of the time she's so adventurous and independent. but then, suddenly, she acts like her world is ending if i do anything at all. it worries me. and beyond that, it makes things hard. it makes normal functioning difficult on a day to day basis. it makes eating, cleaning, going to the bathroom, taking care of the puppy and pretty much everything else almost impossible without baby tears and those break my heart and wear at my sanity. between the frantic clinging of the baby and the misbehaving of the high energy puppy i sometimes randomly realize my teeth hurt from clenching my jaw. that's new.

kahree is beautiful and lovely and i love being close to her but after being clawed and grabbed at with accompany cries and scream all day, sometimes after her only thinking i was standing up when i was really staying right next to her, i've had moments where i just didn't want to be touched anymore. these are not my greatest mom moments. i feel like i spend all my patience constantly and that it never gets filled up again all the way. i'm the kind of person who thrives on fixing one thing or completing one task and then moving on to the next one but i don't think this is something i can just fix or finish up and get on with it. i'm not sure what this requires but i worry it requires something better than me. i get weary. i wish i was a supermom and that kahree never had to worry or cry. she's my favorite thing about life. maybe someday she'll be so grown up and independent that i'll wish so hard to trade in all the clean dishes and folded laundry in the world just to have her want me to hold her again. i hear parenting can be so rude like that.

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