boy or girl

this is something that's been on my mind on a daily basis recently. along with babies and food and sleep, haha. i find myself talking about it all the time in response to curiousness. it's the big question with babies, it's the huge mystery that, understandably, dictates the rest of their lives: boy or girl? i've been calling little squirt a "him" even before i was calling him squirt. i think i even got my doctor to start saying him instead of "the baby." something people almost always ask me when i'm talking about him is if i know if he's a boy already. i end up answering them a little different every time, but my opinion on the matter stays the same.

i'm almost twelve weeks now [almost done with the first trimester! yes!] even though he's for sure what he's going to be forever by now, they can't actually tell via ultrasound until like 18 or 20 weeks or something. and even then, did you know what they determine can be inaccurate? i always thought as soon as they could see little baby gender parts it was set in stone. apparently even at that point it's sometimes questionable, and they come out different that expected all the time! so how do i know so clearly that he's a boy? maybe i don't! but i totally do ;]

even before i got pregnant, when i still thought i had months and months left before being pregnant again, i thought our next baby would be a boy. i thought sable would have a little brother next before she was even gone. it was just a speculation plus some feelings, a little glimpse into where our family may be in the future. i knew so clearly that sable would be a girl. i could feel her spirit and her personality so strongly. and i'm glad for that, because right now my feelings are my only real confirmation of who she was.  i've heard of a lot of women just knowing immediately what baby they were having. craig's mom woke up the day after her wedding and said she was pregnant and it was a boy, and 9 months 3 days later there he was. she knew with all four babies. sheri told me she always knew with all her kids long before anyone else did. i know a family back home who never let the doctor tell them the gender of the baby, the dad always guessed and he was always right [except for the last boy who was supposed to be a girl. surprise! hehe]. but not everyone "knows" and not everyone who "knows" is right, lots of times women think they're having one and end up surprised. so far i've had no experience or confirmation of if my notions are generally accurate. but they could be!

so when i called my mom for the first time all excited about this new little one and she asked me what i thought i was having this time i told her "i think he's a boy." and she said before i even answered she thought he was too, she had a feeling. i told cori and clint that i thought he was a boy [they're first grandbaby!] clint shouted that he KNEW it was. haha i think he wants a grandson =] i know often what we think we want to have plays into what we think we're having. after being so prepared and eager for a baby girl having to turn around and start preparing for a baby boy has been completely different. i know i want both, boys boys boys and girls girls girls, boys just like craig for me to snuggle and spoil and little curly haired girls to melt craig's heart. i know that one way or another our family will be complete and everyone will get here who is supposed to be here, and i won't be upset by how it turns out or who is a boy and who is a girl. i'll be happy with anything because that will be my family that i'm supposed to have.

so why even speculate? if i don't mind either way, why not just wait and see for sure? for a couple reasons. one is that i really don't like calling babies "it." i know there's ways around that, saying "the baby" or fetus nicknames. but every once in a while you need a pronoun in there somewhere, and i'd rather pick one gender to run with and have a 50 percent chance of being right than call him "it" for so long and KNOW that you're not right even once [unless i'm wrong and you know of any babies that were born its. but don't correct me.] to me it's more personal to refer to him as who i think he is. so, what if i'm wrong? what if he turns out to be a girl? well, i think i'll just assume he was really a boy until right that second and then decided to switch on me. and she'll wear the batman onesie and be happy about it. and she may turn out to be a tomboy or gender confused because of my thoughtlessness. oh no. the consequences are severe. but really, it's not going to kill him/her. it won't even phase the little ball of cuteness. the worse that can happen is you all get to laugh at me when i'm wrong. and that's not so bad for you guys, right?

i also really like being prepared. i like worrying about things ages before it's time to worry about them. i'd like to slowly get the room ready and arrange things the way i think he'd like them. okay okay, i like to buy baby things, i admit it! i look at baby clothes all the time. having a guess in my head gives me some sort of direction. i'm just not happy with looking at yellow and green blankets, and want blue and black and brown and manly things! or red and coral or lavender sweet girl things. if i have to look at/buy for BOTH genders, my brain would explode! the downside is that i may end up with piles of boyish things and have a little girl squirt decide she wants to come hang out on earth. but then i get to do MORE baby shopping, so i guess it's not so bad, especially since we're rolling in the dough. ha. ha. ha.

this is all a lot more information than i give people when they ask about my excessive use of "he" and "him" while the length of my tummy is still due to my own chubbiness and the insane amount of food i've been eating rather than to the size of the baby. i usually say "i think he's a boy," or i tell them i don't like calling babies "it." and no one really minds, unless i start saying how much i "know" he's a boy. because i can't really know. i can't, but i just do. i still want to try to confirm it in september, so i can switch tracks if i have to, but i can't honestly really KNOW until he's here. i just have a very strong feeling. but i could easily be wrong. EASILY. i love him to tiny pieces but i don't know him as well as i knew sable, he's a little mystery to me. so instead of "know" maybe i should say "i really really really really really think. and i'll be insanely surprised if i'm wrong." and if he's a girl we can all laugh at how sure i was. i think it'll be a good indication to how much i know what i'm doing here [hint: not at all]. it's also possible squirt will have his first time-out when he decides to become a she. trying to make a fool out of your mamma? where does it end, squirt? hahaha =]