little squirt

we had a prenatal appointment scheduled for yesterday. i love my appointments, but from what i could remember it was only for my blood/screening tests and i wasn't even going to see my doctor, just a lab guy who would suck the blood out of my arms. i was a little disappointed that i wasn't going to have another ultrasounds yet, i was getting increasingly worried as the days went by. it's just so hard at this point still because i can't feel him moving around in there and i have no way of knowing if he's really still around. it makes me wish i had a doppler of my own, or some intense pregnancy symptoms sometimes, like maybe if i threw up all the time i'd feel more reassured that i was still pregnant. i was feeling pretty exhausted for a while but this last week i haven't been nearly as tired and that, of all things, was stressing me out. what a strange thing to be upset about, but really, if i'm not making myself calm down i get scared a lot sometimes. i had a little bit of a meltdown on sunday because i was so worried and squirt translated into worry about EVERYTHING EVER and craig thought i was an insane person for a little while until i told what was really wrong. he said if i was still feeling nervous when we went in on tuesday for my blood tests we'd ask if we could get an ultrasound just to check real fast and make sure everything was okay. by monday i was feeling much better though, a calmer, and i figured my next appointment was only a week away and i could probably wait until then. so we went in today, ready to lose my blood and be happy.

well, it turns out i'm a dummy, or something awesome went wrong. because i got my appointments mixed up, and next week i'm having my blood tests done. THIS week i had an untrasound! i was so surprised and happy when i got there and they said i was seeing my doctor today. we talked for a while about weight gain [i'm stay right around about three pounds from where i started, i'm trying to hold off the crazy weight gain until the end and she says i'm doing great], and we talked about yoga, and food, and prenatals, and nausea, and all the late night snacks i'm allowed to have. then she checked to see if she could hear little squirt's heartbeat with a doppler. she told me to not be nervous if she couldn't find him, but i was a little, she looked for a long time but could only hear my heartbeat. so she rolled in their portable ulstrasound machine, his name is Oscar, and took another look.

she found him right away. he's gorgeous. i LOVE my doctor, she never keeps me in suspense, she always says right away "he looks great! his heartbeat is great! your baby looks so good!" craig jumped up to get closer to see and i wiggled around so i could look at him. she couldn't find him with the doppler because he was at the very back of my uterus-baby-house, just laying back, arms spread, chillin' out. just using me as a bed. i thought that was so funny, he's waaay to cool for fetal positions people, he likes to relax spread-eagle, haha!

he's SO BIG! I couldn't believe how big he looks, his arms we so manly. his head isn't as huge compared to his body anymore, he's looking like a little person! we could even see his face, he has such big and dreamy eyes and for a little ten week old fetus i thought his nose looked BIG. i loved his head, and his little arms just waving out. i love seeing him. i feel like he's not even in there, he's on some other planet and inside my uterus is a some sort of portal/window/telescope that lets me see him. i always try not to squeal and laugh when i see him so i don't bump the ultrasound and mess up the image, but i can barely contain myself. it's insane to me that he's a little person in there, with a little spirit, and he's sticking around to be with ME. why me? he's so much more amazing than me. he must be here for craig, yeah, that's it =] he just tolerates me cause i give him a comfy uterus mattress, ha!

 
i couldn't see his heartbeat from where i was laying, but craig said it was amazing. last time it flickered really fast. craig said this time it was so SOLID. it didn't disappear, it throbbed, like a light. i can't believe how fast he's growing. i can not wait until he gets here.

oscar the ultrasound machine doesn't print pictures, but my doctor says next time i come i'll get some really good pictures. i'm so pysched. i want to give copies of those ones to family. and also keep one in my hand at all times and look at it every day. he's so precious. and he'll only be this tiny once!

i feel so blessed that i got to see little squirt today. i'm so glad he's still there. dr. allison says he look so good and the chance of miscarriage at this point is so slim. and soon i'll be able to feel him kick and push and i'll know he's there all the time! and someday he'll be a baby and we'll get to snuggle and kiss and hold him every day. i don't think past that though. he'll always be a baby, right? no more growing after birth? sounds good to me =]